Act 1. Scene it all before: Two old codgers are seated in a run-down bar, deep in the boonies of Brittany. One is overweight, grey and wrinkly, and the other is the celebrated writer and raconteur, George East. They are crunching pork scratchins, to take away the taste of the local plonk, ‘Vin Morrison’.

George: Shame we can’t get a decent pint of Thruxteds Old Ditchwater, Tone.

Tone: S’right G.. You’d think the French would be capable of growing a few hectares of hops instead of all this maize. You can’t even eat it you know. I pinched some from a field one day, and boiled it till the bottom fell off the saucepan. It was still as hard as getting a decent exchange rate for the £.In the end, I used it to keep the neighbour’s Afghan Bullrat off the roses.

Geo: Does the smell put him off, then?

Tone: Nah…..I chuck them at him.

Geo: Tidy…d’you know, our baker’s baguettes can stun a rabbit from the kitchen window?

Tone: Not surprised. I left two teeth in one the other day. I think Tesco’s ought to send a posse over to show them how to make a decent loaf. I mean, I don’t mind a bit of crust, but right through to the other side is a bit much.

Geo: Veritablemente….. what’s this I hear about your new website?

Tone: Well G, to be honest it all came about because I was getting a bit fed up missing all the action.

Geo: Action? In Brittany?

Tone: Absobloominglootely….the other day, a bar not 10k away from mi casa had a pig-roast, and I only found out the morning after. Then, there was a Breton line-dance bash at the local salle de sport….. I was only 2k away, watching a repeat of Percy Thrower’s ‘Gardeners’ Question-time’.

So, I was pondering on this dilemma, when ‘urinal!’, the solution hit me like a stale baguette. …..write a website that tells you what’s going on in your area.

Geo: Aren’t there already sites that do that?

Tone: Nah, the problem with the present sites is that the areas they cover are too vast. Every time I find something worth going to, it turns out to be three hours away. And what with the price of diesel being on a par with gold bullion, I just ‘canna do it captain’.

Geo: A bit like telling someone in Norfolk that there’s a boot sale in Dorset?

Tone: Bang on ….everything’s either too far away, or I’ve just missed it.

Geo: So how are you going to get all the local info. on what’s occurring all over France?

Tone: Aaaah ( tapping nose in a crafty cockney kind of way)….. that’s my master-stroke. I’m going to build a website for every canton in France, and find a local editor to write the content for each of them.

Geo: What’s a canton, when it’s at home?

Tone: A canton is a group of villages, or part of a big town. It’s really just an excuse for another layer of administration, not that the French need an excuse. There are about 4000 cantons, and each editor will pay an annual fee for his web space. Whats-on-france.biz could in fact generate 4000 new businesses.

Geo: So how exactly will these editors make their money?

Tone: They’ll be able to charge for classified ads, a business directory, a diary of what’s happening, special sections for ‘Business of the month’, and links to affiliate deals like Google Adsense and Amazon will earn revenue with ‘click- throughs’.

They’ll operate within certain guidelines, but will be responsible for the editorial content, including local stories and competitions. They’ll have complete freedom to exercise their creativity in making what is in effect a local, on-line newspaper. It’s a dream ticket for someone who’s always wanted their own business, and wants to give their creativity an airing.

Geo: What a belter! But what kind of support will they get once they’ve paid for and started their site?

Tone: We’ll keep them supplied with any software updates free of charge, and there’ll be a hotline to answer any problems that might occur. As well as that, I see Whats-on-france as a team thing. Once we get the ball rolling, we’ll have all those brains ticking away, bringing fresh ideas to the pot. I want to encourage all the editors to chip in to make this site a must-see for all expats.

Geo: These local sites could actually generate business by encouraging local enterprises to offer special deals.

Tone: That’s the plan G. At the moment it’s a real problem for a bar owner who wants to lay on a special food night. How can he spread the word? Now, by putting an ad. on www.whats-on-france.biz , he’ll be able to reach all the locals as long as they’ve got an internet connection.

Geo: What about clubs and organisations?

Tone: Editors will be encouraged to offer free space for clubs and societies. Our site is all about improving communication for everyone at grass roots level. The best way of describing the main aim of whats-on-france.biz is that I have designed it to help the community thrive and prosper. Initially, it will be aimed at expats, but once we have cracked the dual language site, we expect the French locals to benefit as well.

Geo: So they’ll be able to put their 20 year old motor in the classifieds?

Tone: Yup, but with one proviso…they’ll have to put a price on it. They won’t be able to say, ‘ Prix interessant’.

Geo: Fair play. So no more missing the fish and chip night at the ‘Chien et Canard’?

Tone: Quite right. And by using the classifieds which will be free for the time being, you’ll have somewhere to look to find that second-hand set of hickory golf clubs without driving 250k, only to find there’s dry rot in the sand-wedge.

Geo: Any plans to help starving writers?

Tone: Pas demi.. I’m going to put a section on each site where writers can upload their work. As you know, I’ve been running www.writersinfrance.com for a number of years, and this new site will give fellow authors a wider audience for nowt.

Geo: Well, if there’s anything I can do to help encourage the writing fraternity…..

Tone: Aaah, I was going to ask if I could put your name to our first competition. I’ve called it, ‘You could be George!’. It’s based on the TV programme, ‘ You could be Nancy’, but without the singing, the girls and definitely without Lord Lloyd Wibbler .

Geo: So what do they have to write?

Tone: They’ve got to submit a George East-style anecdote about life in France. All the details are on the site. And the winning story will have a choice of a signed copy of one of your books, or a second –hand copy of Margaret Thatcher’s memoirs.

Geo: Tough decision. And I suppose you want me to judge the entries?

Tone: Well, I’ll get it down to the last 500, and you can take it from there.

Geo: Tone?

Tone: What’s that G?

Geo: I’m not a camel….get ‘em in.

Tone : Tidy G…..’nother packet of scratchings?

Geo: Ouink, ouink.

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